I am in no way a parenting expert.
With
a child who is only three, I am still a new mom by some standards. We’re just
touching on the preschool age. But I can tell you the most important thing you
need to know about your child. About any
child.
I know what children want.
I’m
not talking about toys or games or trips or anything material. What I’m talking
about is the number one thing that all children of any age and any gender and
every single nationality want from their parents more than any of those
material possessions.
What children want more than anything is your
adoration.
They
want to hear that what they are doing is enough and good and wonderful. They
want to know that they matter to you. This includes their ideas, opinions,
hobbies, and all the little things that make them who they are. They want to
know that you love them and you are proud of them. They want to be encouraged
by you.
Our children look to us for validation.
There
are lots of reasons to feel like you have screwed up as a parent, but if you do
this one thing, you are really doing okay! If you are taking the time and
making the effort to show your children how much they mean to you emotionally,
you are doing them a world of good, and you are a great parent.
I
have always really believed in this, but there are a few times that it has just
really hit me through things my daughter has said just how true it is that this
is the number one thing our kids look to us for. Just today she was peeling a
clementine by herself, and she showed me. I thought she saw something on it, so
I asked her about what she was showing me and she said “I did it all by myself
Mommy. Am I doing a good job? Did I do it right?” I know it doesn’t sound like
much, but when you’re three and you do something new by yourself with no help
from your grown ups, it’s a pretty big deal! These are the times our little
ones need our praise! They need that validation when they do the things that
are important to THEM, not just the things we see as the big stuff.
The time
I remember most though, we were brushing teeth and Reagan had recently started
brushing her own. Of course when she’s done I still go over them and I always
tell her what a good job she’s done. Except one night I was preoccupied and I
just brushed away. But she was quick to shop me and say “Mommy, please tell me
that I did a good job.”
My
heart broke a little that she might have thought that I forgot or didn’t think
the job she did was worthy of my praise, but I am so grateful that she feels
like she can tell me the things she needs to hear and everything she’s
thinking.
But
I know not all kids will tell you what they need from you, what they need to
hear. I also know that it is easy to forget to think on their level and really
stop and listen to what is important to our kids.
There
was another time I stopped Reagan when she was talking. I was just positive I
knew what she was going to say, and I felt like she wasn’t listening. Oh the
tears! She cried like her heart had just broken in two. Mommy always listens
and cares, and she counted on that, but in that moment I didn’t. In those
moments it is blatantly obvious what our children want from us.
I’m
not saying any of this to put down your parenting or my parenting. I feel like
these are moment’s I’ve gotten some really clear insight into the wants and
needs of children, and that should be shared. Think of it as a gentle reminder
;) I know I need those sometimes!
Now
that I’ve shared some learning experiences, here are some of my very favorite
ways to show my daughter that I adore her:
1.
Talk to her. Tell her things that she won’t
understand yet. Talk about everything and anything. When Reagan was just a tiny
baby I would talk to her about the fields and read her the paper. I narrated
everything I did. Not because she could understand it, but because one day she
would. Talking to our kids makes them feel important and worthy of being talked
to.
2.
Listen to her. No, it doesn’t always make
sense. It is usually quite quotable and funny though! And it is always
important. As the saying goes “If you don’t listen to the little stuff now, don’t
expect them to tell you the big stuff later, because to them it was always big
stuff.” That is so true. Giving a child your time to listen to their ideas is
so huge.
3.
Praise her. No, turning our house into an ice
rink does not sound doable to me for a number of reasons, but when a three year
old comes to you with a full explanation of just how we can make this happen,
you nod along. The fact that they have started planning things and thinking
things through, even if it’s not realistic yet, is important. Fostering
independent thought and opinions and creative thinking is important. And all it
takes is a simple “That’s a really good idea! I’m proud of you!”
4.
Turn off the electronics. That means the
phone, the iPad, and the computer. Anything that you spend a lot of time
looking at. Put down your books, too. Do something with your child or watch
them and give them your full and totally undivided attention. I am so guilty of
not doing this enough! I have online classes and computer-based businesses and
emails to respond to and friends to text back, and I let my electronics have
way too much of my attention. It is really important to take the time to unplug
and show your child that they do not have to compete for your attention and
they are more important than those texts and emails.
5.
Tell her! Really go all out on this one! We
have fun seeing who can love the other one farther. My daughter literally says “I
love you to the moon and the stars and the galaxy and the Palace Pet Salon and
all the way back again!” And apparently that is like the farthest EVER and I
can’t top it, but I know I can cause mama love is the biggest ;) Even if you
don’t say it quite like that, always tell your little one how much you love
them, how wonderful they are, how smart they are, and how much they mean to
you. Use all the happy adjectives you can think of! Nothing beats telling them
how great you think they are, because if you believe it, they believe it.
6.
Ask her. This kind of goes along with active
listening. Ask and you shall receive. Little people have BIG opinions on just
about everything! They are usually funny and will almost always surprise you.
If you ask for your child’s opinion on things, you are showing them that their thoughts
and opinions matter. They mean something to you, and again, that means that they
will in turn think that their thoughts mean something.
I
have talked before about being intentional in parenting, and this is a big
place to put intention to use. Be intentional about giving love and praise and
affection to your children. Show them they are worthy of your love. Tell them
just how much they rock! If you believe it, they will.
And that is what every child wants more than
anything.
xoxo,
Katie
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